I think this post has to be one of my rawest posts thus far. I have cried, prayed, got mad and became extremely transparent and vulnerable about my battle with rejection. This post is about the confession of a needy friend. I didn’t know I was that person until God begin to take me through a process
Given up for adoption as a baby, adopted at 4 placed in the foster care system at 17, discovered the world at 21. I dealt with struggles of never feeling included or being loved or appreciated. This opened the door for the enemy to attack me in areas such as my self-worth, identity, sense of belonging, confidence, and feeling disconnected, etc. I will say “was” a lot in this post because I know the Lord is working on me and I’m not where I was a month ago or even three months ago.
God begin to show me areas of neediness in my relationship’s that stemmed from rejection. I was the type of friend who didn’t understand my self-worth and longed for someone to affirm me and tell me how great of a person I was. I needed to know at all times I was loved and wasn’t forgotten. I wanted to be included in everything because I didn’t want to feel like an outsider. I was insecure and most of the time hide behind others. I had no identity and depended on others to create an identity for me. I would pretty much be a mixture of every person I thought was acceptable in my eyes. I walked around with multiple personalities OMG was I a mess. I didn’t know who the heck I was. As I’m writing, tears roll down my face to think I thought wasn’t good enough to be who God made me. I would say goodnight to loved ones every night due to fear of being forgotten. I needed others to tell me they loved in efforts to fill my emptiness. I even thought to buy expensive gifts and inconvenience myself to keep others around. I love giving gifts because it was above and beyond. All of this screamed ” Please never leave me ” I had become so fearful of people leaving my life that I wouldn’t correct others when they were wrong. I also allowed other to mistreat me because I just wanted to have someone in my life. So I pushed a lot of things under the rug.
Jealousy was another issue that stemmed from rejection. I never thought I was worthy of great things happening for me so when I saw God doing great things in others lives I thought God has forgotten all about me. At one point I felt so unworthy I thought God would talk to me through other people and he wouldn’t want to speak with me. So instead of focusing on God, I begin to focus on people who had close relationships with him. I begin to idolize people. I remember one time my sister had an encounter with God and I thought maybe if I touch her shoulder God would see I’m in the room and talk to me too. So thankful God has opened my eyes.
As I learn more and more about the love of the father I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t be a friend until I love God, myself and then others in that order. And not only that but I understand what a real friend is. We can’t come into any relationship empty Every healthy relationship needs a balance. We must be healthy within before anything. It’s dangerous to be in a relationship, friendship, sisterhood when you have open wounds. I’m not saying to isolate but I think it’s hard to see things correctly when you are so wounded. You can hear things and perceive them different because you hear from a hurt place. An example would be someone just saying ” Hey I just need some time to think about this alone.” A wounded person who struggles with rejection may hear” I don’t want you around just leave me alone” These are two different statements. Sometimes our wounds can build a whole different perspective. We not only hurt ourselves but we hurt people who love us deeply. God’s love can change anything. God wants us to have a personal relationship with us. There’s nothing that can separate us from God’s Love. He wants to know us each personally he has no favorites and forgets NO ONE.
I know there is so many people walking around unaware of the fact they are wounded by the spirit of rejection. So yes I’m exposing a lot of things but there is liberty in JESUS and no SHAME. So I’m happy to share all this. I don’t know where this post may go but I want others who are dealing with this same struggle to know you are not alone and God’s love heal all things. If there is something you are battling I encourage you to speak to God confess it repent and ask him to transform you. He will do it. Speak to him like you would speak to a friend. Below is a small prayer:
Father in the name of Jesus we bind the spirit of rejection we break every single generation curse we break every pack that we have made with the spirit of rejection. Father, I declare in the name of Jesus we receive a revelation of your never ending love. Father, I declare that you forgive us of our sins dealing with rejection Father I ask that you heal all inner wounds. Father cleanse our heart. Father in the name of Jesus we walk boldly in the identity you have given us. We break every sin of jealousy. Father, we ask that you seal this prayer in Jesus name. Amen
Deuteronomy 31:6New Living Translation (NLT)
6 So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Love you Treasures